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Written 2010-09-02 18:00:00 by Jeff Rosenberg from New York University
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Written 2010-09-02 16:29:00 by Andrew Bridgman from Purdue University
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Written 2010-09-01 18:00:00 by Conor McKeon from Rhode Island College
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Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like “MyFace,”"SpaceBook,”or “The World Wide Web?” 
Your parents’ white board.
My mom is convinced that in order for her to use Skype she needs to have Internet Explorer open so she is “connected to the internet.” My mom, after years of semi-successfully emailing me, sent me an empty email with an attachment that led to a Google Doc asking me to send her a picture of my new haircut. WTF mom? I’m surprised although I guess I shouldn’t be since you still insist on holding the house phone to your ear while you skype me… Every time I’m listening to loud music on my pc, my father still tells me to “turn down the radio.” I don’t have a radio. My mom has a friend who was abroad and she chat with her everyday through facebook or gmail. One day she told me that her friend said chatting through msn is faster. She asked, “Is there any in the house?” My grandmother asked me today if I needed to get a separate laptop to use for my French classes because the one I have now doesn’t have french buttons. |
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Written 2010-09-01 16:00:00 by Susanna Wolff from Columbia University
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 1. The Jaded Genius
You know this school you worked so hard to get into? It was this girl’s safety school. And she’s pissed to be here. In fact, she’s still wearing her Princeton sweatshirt she bought in March just so you know that she knows that she’s better than you. That’s how sure she was that she was going to get in. She will try and transfer as soon as possible, and god help her if she has to stay in this shithole longer than a semester.
1. The Jaded Genius You know this school you worked so hard to get into? It was this girl’s safety school. And she’s pissed to be here. In fact, she’s still wearing her Princeton sweatshirt she bought in March just so you know that she knows that she’s better than you. That’s how sure she was that she was going to get in. She will try and transfer as soon as possible, and god help her if she has to stay in this sh*thole longer than a semester.
 2. That Douchebag From Your High School Unless you are going to college in one of the former Yugoslav republics, there will be at least one asshole from your high school who has never talked to you. Now that he is out of his natural environment of your hometown where he is friends with other douchebags, he will cling to you and pretend you have always been good friends. He will drop you as soon as someone that isn’t you talks to him. 
3. The Foreign Kid This guy is from some Asian country, and you really aren’t sure which. He is dressed very nicely because his parents incorrectly assumed Americans have respect for higher education. He also has thick glasses and a cell phone way cooler than anything they sell in America. In a couple of weeks, he will be the kid ruining the curve on your computer science midterm. |
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Written 2010-08-31 18:00:00 by Matt Powers from Pennsylvania State University
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Ears: Ok, everyone, that’s the alarm. Time to get up. Brain: …urg. Ears: Oh, shut up brain. What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to listen to freakin’ Michael Bublé first thing every morning. Brain: …blurg. Ears: I swear, if it gets to the chorus and I’m the only one awake for it again, you’re all going to have an ear infection to deal with in about three days. Brain: Ok, ok, I’m up. Look, sorry about Michael Bublé. He just really likes “Haven’t Met You Yet,” and this is the only time he can listen to it without anyone else knowing. Penis: But what if some girl sleeps over? Stomach: Seriously? Have you seen me lately? Penis: *Sigh* Yeah, I have…damn it. Brain: Come on, guys, figuring out how to get someone to spend the night here is a problem for four in the morning, not seven in the morning. Let’s focus on getting the eyes open right now. Eyes: No. Ears: Come on, eyes, we’re almost at the second verse already. Let’s get going. Eyes: It’s still dark out. It’s illegal to be awake when it’s still dark out. Brain: Eyes, we go through this every morning. You only think it’s still dark out because you’re closed. If you just open, you’ll realize the sun’s up. Eyes: …No. I’m pretty sure you’re lying this time. Brain: OH MY GOD IT’S A HOT GIRL! HOT GIRL IN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW! |
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Written 2010-08-31 17:00:00 by Van Small from Dickinson College
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 Oh look, dear. The room comes with a cork board. How quaint. It would be better if these walls weren’t made of cinder block so you could hang up that Matisse print, but I suppose this will do. I mean, you’d think for the price we’re paying that you could get a little parquet flooring, but alright. Do you need anything else? Ok, we’re going to stand in the way of other people while you unpack without our help. We’ll take a couple brief strolls down the hall to turn our noses up at the Bob Marley poster that unkempt boy is hanging in 12C. When you invite him to our home for Thanksgiving, we’ll still only refer to him as “That Boy With the Long Hair.”  We’re so proud of you, honey. I would say I’m prouder, as illustrated by the fact that I’m paying your tuition, but that’s neither here nor there. Haha! I’m so glad we could be together for your big day. We get to be tense and make everyone else on the floor really uncomfortable. It would have been better if we had taken separate cars so we wouldn’t have to drive home together, but haha! No, I’m not making digs at your parenting style. If you think I’m such a bad parent, then why don’t you just pay her tuition yourself. FINE! I’m going to storm off and leave you guys embarrassed, but oddly not embarrassed enough, while everyone else tries to avert his or her eyes. Good luck assembling that f*cking lamp yourselves!  Hi! Hi! Meet our child. Isn’t this exciting? Oh, what lovely wall-to-wall carpeting! Have you met our child yet? This is going to be so much fun! We’re going to be so effusively friendly to everyone on the floor that they won’t be able to help feeling happier and more comfortable about this new stage of their lives. Unfortunately our child is going to be a huge sourpuss all day and he’ll be endlessly needy all year. No one should go out drinking with this young man or they’ll end up carrying him home! Ah, we love him anyway. We love everyone! What a lovely duvet you have! Have you met our child yet? |
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Written 2010-08-30 18:00:00 by Susanna Wolff from Columbia University
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It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 7 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!  My roommate last year was overweight, constantly had her boyfriend over (he literally lived in our suite for 1 month - I once caught him shaving his pubes in our bathroom!), left food and garbage out for weeks at a time, left hair all over the place, and fought with her boyfriend at the convenient hour of 3AM every time he was over. My roommate and I, after countless confrontations, put up with her for as long as we could. One day, however, I woke up late for my morning class and took a packet of her poptarts, leaving a note that apologized and offered to reimburse her. When I got home, I was met with at least 20 passive-aggressive post-it notes all over my door. Fed up, I bought her an entirely new packet of poptarts with a post-it that said, “Please don’t bother me anymore. And, by the way, I’m pretty sure I was doing your fat-ass a favor by eating that packet”. She also got pregnant and had to leave school. That’s karma for you, b*tch. J.C. from NYU So, within my first week of college, my roommate had already locked me out (four times), thrown away all my food (it was ruining her “vibe”) and smeared some sticky, black paste all over my bed (”for the spirits”). Then, a couple of days ago, I walked in on her hanging a tiny voodoo doll with my face on a little noose made of dental floss in the bathroom. Yeah. I was a little scared. So, I was the theatre star in high school and my friend works in special effects. We set up a little scare for her. Needless to say, my roomie gave up the whole creeper thing when she saw me laying in the bathroom, “dead” and covered in “blood.” Maybe I went a little too far, leaving a rope noose on her bed. When she came back an hour later, I pretended like she had imagined the entire thing. Now she is the best roomie ever! Love ya Katie! Okay so this one time I had this annoying, whiny snotty roommate who was always naked in his own room. Whenever someone knocked or came by he would quickly throw on these loose basketball shorts without underwear and quickly greet whoever it was with only the shorts on. One day he pissed me off badly so I went into his room, took his beloved basketball shorts and cut a large hole in them right around the crotch. That day, his family was visiting so I purposely left a hustler in his room ten minutes before they were coming. When his family knocked on his door ready to greet him, he walked out in his shorts sporting a full on, fully |
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Written 2010-08-30 16:00:00 by Jeff Rosenberg from New York University
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Written 2010-08-27 17:00:00 by Dorkly
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Written 2010-08-27 16:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from Syracuse University
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